I am sharing my testimony for the second time, most of this was discussed on the Barn Burner Podcast on Nov 24, 2022. January is a month when mental health is highlighted, and I want to make sure that if someone was going through something similar that this might help.
For about 8 months I just couldn’t get excited, and when the situation called for excitement it took everything I had to fake it. I was in a thick mix of malaise, fog, and grumpiness at work, at home, or just outside doing my own thing. I didn’t process it properly at the time but I was letting down my staff, my family, and of course myself by not being in the moment or present when they or I needed me to be.
My story isn’t unique and clearly had its roots in the pandemic and the impact it had on my profession. I and others have said it many times nobody came through 2020-22 unscathed. Having said that I blame no one, my #burnout was because of the decisions that I made. I chose to prioritize everything and anything other than my own mental health.
With a sober second thought, there were plenty of off-ramps for me prior to my breaking point. My friends and co-workers weren’t just being “nice” or even “intrusive” when they asked how I was or if I was ok. I was fooling myself when my family expressed concern for me, and I put up my hand and told them that they didn’t or couldn’t understand what was going on and that I was fine.
In my mind, I was doing the thing that I needed to do to help my team recover from the ravages of 2 seasons of COVID. Nobody asked me to take as much on as I did, but they didn’t have to because I am a machine. At least that’s what I told myself. For 18 months I didn’t take a full week of vacation, and for some absurd reason, I wore that like a badge of honor. I loved when people talked about my work ethic, and I was proud when people said I couldn’t be outworked. I had convinced myself that all that mattered was work and everything else would take care of itself in time. Now a small part of that is the work ethic my dad instilled in me, but mostly it was the #burnout.
It was important for me to make sure that my staff and those around me were ok, and I was genuinely concerned about their mental well-being. Somehow, I never applied that same concern to myself and if I am being honest my family.
Last spring I seemed to stumble from one issue to the next, mad, frustrated, and feeling alone it was really easy for me to explain away my situation. I know now that I made mistakes and I know that I hurt people along the way, but at the time it was the cost of doing business.
I don’t know exactly when it happened or even why it happened, but in August I fell apart. Whether it was sitting in my truck weeping for no reason, or just watching tv and getting mad at whoever came on the screen I had clearly broken down. I was fortunate I had people in my life that cared for me and didn’t quit on me finally after hearing it from my best friend and my mother in the span of 5 minutes one day I called my doctor and got help.
I have dealt with bouts of depression on and off for a long time, but this was different and I knew it and so did my doctor. We came up with a plan, but I was warned this wasn’t a magic bullet and it was going to take some time. It was rough for a while as I was dealing with anxiety, embarrassment, and depression every day. Over time things began to change, I got excited about stuff again, I wasn’t starting every interaction from a defensive position, and I found peace in quiet moments.
Am I cured? No. Am I better? Yes, but I have a lot of work ahead of me to ensure I don’t fall into this same trap again.
I mentioned it before but let me state once again for the record that I did this to myself and I am responsible for what has happened and what I have done.
If you asked me two years ago what #burnout was I would have told you that it’s when you are tired and sleep a lot. WRONG!!! Really wrong and I am ashamed that I didn’t listen to my friends and family when they warned me about burning myself out.
If you are reading this and some of it, part of it, or all of this resonates then reach out and get help, don’t do what I did, and just keep bulling your way ahead day in and day out. If you don’t feel like you have someone then reach out to me. I am not a medical or mental health professional, but I can listen, and I have time to give you.
I mentioned that I shared this story before on the Barn Burner podcast back in November. After that appearance I had a pair of people reach out for help and we talked. As a result, I decided that I was going to write my own story. If one person reads this and gets help or reaches out and starts a conversation, then I am happy.
For the last couple of years, I ended my staff meeting with the same thing:
“If you ever feel like the walls are closing in, or things seem dark, please reach out I am always here for you. I am like 7/11 I am available 24/7.”
Moving forward I will end this way:
“If you ever feel like the walls are closing in, or things seem dark, please reach out I am always here for you. I am like 7/11 I am available 24/7, and if I feel the same way don’t be surprised if I reach out to you.”